Oh Cosmo

You all know what happened. Michael Richards (aka Cosmo Kramer from Seinfeld) went and did a bad thing. He was performing a stand up routine, got heckled, and went off the handle. Screamed inappropriate remarks to the hecklers. Used the “N” word. Made references to a terrible period in this country’s history. And now he’s paying the price. Richards didn’t realize we live in a time when everyone has a camcorder in their pocket.

A few apologies later (especially this squirm-inducer on Letterman) and now we’re talking. No one is ever going to get along. These wounds have never healed. Never even scabbed over. What this has done is got us talking about race relations in this country again. I heard Al and Jesse want to get black people to stop using the “N” word. Now that’s an idea! If this word is so vitriolic and hurtful and offensive, why do blacks continue to use it? Set an example. It might actually reclaim its old meaning if it wasn’t used all the time. This double-standard is just dumb. You have to want to be healed. No we can’t get along, but we can certainly coexist.

Michael Richards’ comedy career is over, but he has the potential to become a harbinger for actual progress between the races.

So in honor of this momentous time in our country’s history, I want to go ahead and offend everyone.

White: I hate white people. I really do. We steal everything, we lie, and we have no ‘flavor’. I wish someone would come up with a really nice offensive word for us. Honky and Cracker just don’t do it for me. They’re usually just met with laughter when used. White people suck.

Black: Black people walk slow for a reason. They must always be early! You’re too sensitive. Lighten up. This isn’t the 60’s. You’ve been given opportunities for nearly half a century now. Too many of you have worked too hard for the rest of you to walk around with a chip on your shoulder. Why you scream to be accepted, yet intentionally segregate yourselves by demanding to be called African American is beyond me. I will not do that. You’re black Americans. You can’t have both. That’s nice, you want to hang on to some of your heritage. (which many of you know nothing about) But people come to this country to be American. Listen to your leaders. Maybe if you start treating your history with respect, the rest will follow. And I’m most certainly including Chappelle and Rock when I say leaders.

Asian: You smell like fish. One of my best friends is a Korean who claims Asians are “more evolved” because they naturally smell good. Evidently you don’t need to shower as often as the rest of us. Wrong. You’re pushy and sneaky. Which, in my eyes can be seen as a positive thing. Oh, and stop procreating, there’s enough of you. But my god, you’re good at math and video games and nails.

Latino: I have no problem with you. Latino people know how to have a great time. You work hard, you keep your mouths shut, and you make killer music. People in this country intrinsically assume that you are all stupid. But that could be a hallucination generated by the massive quantities of cologne you’re wearing. One thing though. We are not going to learn Spanish on your account. Better learn English quick. Like our Asian friends, birth control seems to be a taboo subject with you.

Muslim: I don’t really know you, but you’ve got some serious PR issues. I better stop right now or I might get jihaded.

Homeless People: This one boggles my mind. You’re unhappy? Things didn’t work out? Me too. No I don’t have an extra cigarette.

Fat People: Eat less, you’re going to die.

Skinny People: Eat more, you’re ugly.

Stupid People: I’m afraid there’s no hope for you.

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