Repairs

I experience the world through a filter of apathy, numbness, and cynicism. This is not to say that I am a pessimist or even a negative person. I like to pretend that I’m hopeful. I do like happy endings. But at the same time, unconsciously, I have shockingly little regard for the feelings of others. So please forgive me if what I’m about to say is common knowledge. This sounds horrible and is a really bad way to describe yourself. Which is why I keep it secret. I usually present to the world a very well-maintained facade. But I’m going to be honest for a second here. Because occasionally that facade needs to be taken down for repairs. Maybe this should be a foreword to all my posts?

I’ve spoken here before about nausea and regret. Maybe briefly. Regret is simply the worst feeling you can have. Worse than nausea. Irredeemable regret being the holy grail of misery. I still believe this. The inescapable feeling that through action or inaction something went wrong. Regret is especially thorny because it is completely internal. There’s no one to blame but yourself. Your bad decision. Your regret. Yikes. But I want to add something else to the list. Guess we’re starting a list… False Hope. Especially when it’s the result of duplicity.

Now… When someone has given you false hope, it initially comes to you as… hope. Everyone can agree that hope is all shiny and sparkly. But the realization of false hope rips out all of those cuddly feelings and leaves you with nothing but butterflies. It’s not betrayal. But it’s a third cousin. Your distress is further amplified when you’ve finally come to terms with the offending situation, only to get another burst of (false) hope. Which brings you right back to where you started. Unlike regret, which is a constant dizzy distaste, false hope comes in waves. One week it goes away, the next it comes back. And on and on.

False hope is caused by outside influence. And therefore is possible to come back from. You can fix this. I’m not sure how at this time, but I am pretty confident it’s possible.

One thing should be noted. The outside influence that is causing discomfort is not necessarily acting immoral or with malice. Sometimes that person is unaware they’re even doing anything wrong at all. Sometimes they are aware of it but are unable to control their actions. So how can you blame them or be angry with them? In these cases, the false hope is an aberration. An unfortunate side-effect of being human.

What I would most like anyone to get out of this entry is pretty simple… this is just word vomit and I don’t know shit.

happy day.

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