Why is it that after you’ve spent the night in a police station, asleep on a couch, waiting for the fingerprint machine to come up with a match, the first question you always ask the officer rousing you from sleep is, “Have you found anything?” This question is kind of implied. Otherwise you wouldn’t have slept all night on that uncomfortable upholstery in the police station with only a brown blazer with elbow pads for warmth. Furthermore, why do they always say the database machine will take weeks to find a match, when it usually finds one in a few hours? These are the kinds of things I think about.

Nothing is worse than standing at a cold and damp train platform, waiting for a train that has already missed it’s scheduled arrival time. Not knowing when you’re getting home. Freezing your ears and digits off. And pissed that if you had left work just a little sooner, you wouldn’t be in this predicament. The only solace you have is that you can purchase these earmuffs that wrap around the back of your head. Which are great not because they are incredible ear insulators or that they keep your hairdo intact, but because they make you look all sci-fi like Lando’s bald assistant. (his name was Lobot.) Almost as cool as bluetooth earpieces!

I’m OCD when it comes to the tidiness of my computer. Though I have no problem getting home from work and immediately tossing my jeans across the room, when it comes to my computer, I’m a neat freak. I keep my desktop clear of any icons. I uncontrollably hit the “clean up” function in all of my folders to align icons to a grid. Always quick to get rid of unwanted crap. Keeping my machine lean is important to me. But nowhere is my cyber-compulsion more apparent than when I’m waiting for an email. My inbox has like, one email in it. I process messages as soon as they arrive. Furthermore, I’ll hit that Check Mail button several times a minute, especially when waiting for an important email. Which is great because this way, instead of getting that important mail, you get all of your spam as soon as it comes in! One of these days I’m going to start to believe that I really need penis enlargement surgery.

Sometimes I think Cartman had the right idea when he couldn’t handle waiting for the Nintendo Wii. He had Butters freeze him. To be reanimated when the Wii came out. It kinda worked.


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