When I was a smoker I’d be forced to get fresh air every 2-3 hours at work. Now I just sit in my cave all day not knowing if its overcast or sunny.

When I was a smoker I’d have something to bitch about with my people outside. Now I ignore them and look weird standing around by myself.

When I was a smoker I’d spend $7-8 every few days on a pack of butts. Now I save.

When I was a smoker I’d have to make room in my pockets for two extra items. Now my pants don’t fit as nice.

When I was a smoker I’d always worry about throat cancer. Now I just worry about colon cancer.

When I was a smoker I was one of the cool kids. Now I’m one of the L7 squares.

When I was a smoker I’d always smell like cigarettes. Now I always smell like salami.

When I was a smoker all it took was a few drags and the stress would melt away. Now I take sleeping pills that don’t work and pull out my hair.

When I was a smoker I appeared to be fit. Now I eat anything that isn’t nailed down to compensate and look like a squash while doing it.

When I was a smoker I had something to do when I got off the train, finished eating, or got to the end of my tea. Now I just… do nothing.

• When I was a smoker I was unhealthy and disgusting and I’m glad I quit.