I’ve been a bar soap man all of my life. I was a briefs man until college but that’s neither here nor there. I never could understand body washes. Something was missing. Then I was turned on to the loofah. I’d made fun of loofahs in the past, but I was feeling saucy at the time and figured I’d give the whole thing a whirl. Seemed like the appropriate moment. Shit, I’ll try anything once. So I made the trek to Target, picked out the manliest black loofah I could find, some nice tea tree body wash, and began exfoliating like it was my business.

That was nearly two months ago. But my loofah hasn’t aged a bit. How do I know when to change my loofah? See… with soap you can watch it slowly melt away until its time to piggyback that nub of nitro onto a new bar. A better analogy may be a toothbrush. At least with a toothbrush you can clearly see the bristles have worn down and its time to replace. My loofah however seems to be made out of some kind of space-aged polymer. I could return this thing tomorrow and get my money back. Full refund. Where does one get information and technical support on loofahs?

I don’t know. I’m thinking about getting one more bottle of body wash, then tossing the thing. Does that sound right? This is too difficult. These loofahs may be too much for me. It may be back to bar soap. Maybe I could send it to Africa or Asia? Apparently, they eat them like vegetables there.

What the hell am I talking about?