I just read that Lee Redmond, a woman in the Guinness Book of World Records for her long fingernails, was in a serious car accident on Tuesday. During the accident, her record-setting fingernails were shorn off. It is reported that she hadn’t cut them since 1979. Luckily Redmond, though still in serious condition, did not receive life-threatening injuries.
Here is my appeal to you Ms Redmond. Do not re-grow your fingernails. This is a blessing in disguise. The past 30 years have given way to a slurry of technological advancement, not seen since a steam engine powered the Industrial Revolution. I’m presuming you have family? Watch in amazement as this thing called a “cell phone” dials that niece you haven’t spoken to in years. You keep it in your pocket and bring it with you everwhere!
They now have a vast array of networked computers they’re calling the “World Wide Web”. There you’ll find a “website” called Facebook. While on Facebook you can keep up with old friends or tell people what you’re up to by typing “status messages”. Remember typing?
Be amazed that you can pick up things with your 10 digits with little to no effort at all. Lee, this really is for the best. And hey, while you’re at it, why don’t you get a new haircut to go along with your newly shortened fingernails?