This is great. I would never claim to have seen it all, but I never expected something this fun was out there. It’s called an Octodog. This is a little machine that will turn a hot dog into an octopus. $17+S&H. Sign. Me. Up.
And just the other day I was saying how my hot dogs didn’t resemble enough cephalopods. Problem solved.
Read MoreFor the first time in my life, I had twins today. They looked so cute and delicious. I named them Knox Leon and Vivienne Marchaline, cooked them over-medium, and had a monster dose of grease and cholesterol.
Now I know how happy and proud Angie and Brad are.
In my ongoing struggle to make this site about everything and nothing all at the same time, I want to relate a little story.
I was at the grocery store the other day and happened to spy the wonderous and alluring pineapple in question. After all, I usually buy a fruit cup every morning (healthier and tastier than a bagel with cream cheese) and that pineapple is always the jewel of the whole affair. So I figured I’d get my own. After stabbing myself several times with the sharp crown on the top, I got it home. However, not knowing how you tell if a pineapple is ripe or not and not wanting to deal with it (I’m easily distracted), I kind of just left it on the top of the fridge for a few days.
But then it was time. Tonight was the night I was going to cut that damn thing open and enjoy it’s sugary nourishment. One problem. How the hell do you properly cut and prepare a pineapple? I had no idea. Though I could have winged it, I decided to google it. And what did I find on this lovely world wide wonderful…www.howtocutapineapple.com Of course! Eureka! You can find anything on this thing.
Be sure to also check out:
www.howtobakeapotato.com
and
www.howtocookcornonthecob.com
Had honey problems. Past tense. I’m here to report that my honey problems are over. And I am not a beekeeper or apiculturist. I am but a man.
I’ve tried the alternatives. At first there wasn’t any honey. I’d have to depend on the detritus downstairs to actually provide it. And every morning would be a new goof. Oh, they’d give me a smile and a wink and know exactly what I want (that’s medium Earl Grey tea, no milk for those keeping score). But oddly I would always have to ask for the honey. And more often than not I’d get, “Oh, we’re out of it today.” Gee, thanks for telling me before I placed my order. Now I don’t want this tea. Because I have no honey! Other times, they’d give me a handful of sticky, ketchup-style honey packets. This is downright offensive.
Screw this, I’m bringing my own honey. So I went out and bought a bear. (I’m allergic to bees, and bears are fun to ride.) Logistically, it’s tough to keep a bear at the office. HR had a problem with it. So did my parents. And as it turns out, these furry bastards don’t even have a lot of honey to offer. Even though they are generally better tempered than bees, it just wasn’t working out. So, I went to the convenience store and bought a bottle of honey that was shaped like a bear instead.
It worked out for a while. If you respect that spout enough, you can avoid the normal pitfalls of honey. Mainly… getting everything sticky. However, the slow squirm of honey will always prevail. Before long, the honey had consumed the top of the jar. I was left with a sticky disaster. Napkin stuck to it. Crusty honey residue along the edges. In addition, word got around that I had a jar of honey at my desk. So more people wanted to get their sticky hands on my sticky honey. And I can attest, other people don’t respect the spout like I do.
If I put a ban on sharing the honey, then I become the office asshole. I couldn’t deal with being the office asshole so publicly.
Then someone gave me honey-sticks. I thought then my problems had been solved. But no dice. The problem with these are that you have to open them up somehow and squish every last bit of honey out. Several times, I’d be squeezing that sucker, the fingers would slip, and I’d end up with a lap of tea. Moreover, each stick didn’t contain all that much honey! It took about 4 sticks just to get my tea to flavor. Each pack comes with about 6 sticks. That’s a pack of honey-sticks every 1.5 teas. That’s a pace I can’t keep up.
I did mention my honey problems were in the past. Because the other day I stumbled upon this genius product from a company called Honibe (haha, get it? -Honey Bee) They’re called Honey Drops. Serving sized rigid globules of honey that dissolve in your tea. No mess. No stick. There is a regular and a lemon-accented version. Think of them as sugar cubes. This is the thing I have been waiting for. My daily sweetening issues are gone. Being the curious type, I immediately dropped the $18.50 it costs for a package of 20. (That’s $11.99 plus S&H)
Hey, it’s not cheap, but it’s a small price to pay for being the only person in the room to actually own, and have written about, a small hexagonal confection.
Read MoreI’d like to sing about jerky for second. And anyone who has satiated their palettes with this salted stick of convienence can join right in. Who would think you can walk into a store and pick up a pre-packaged stick of meat? Right off of an Oberto display no less! Cavemen are rolling over in their graves. Or pits? Did they do anything with their dead…
Jerky is nothing new. The ancient Incans used to dry their meat as a way of preserving it. This has been around for a long, long time. But I love that jerky is not about survival. It’s a delicious and effortless snack.
It took a while before I realized my obsession with cured meats. But, through countless variety, I’ve been able to indulge my wildest dreams as to what meat can be. Teriyaki turkey in a stick? Where do I sign?? This is one of modern civilization’s greatest achievements. Anyway, just thought I’d mention it. Praise jerky.
Though I ask you… what the hell is Slim Jim? I know you’re supposed to snap into it? Oh yeah?
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I bought an everything bagel for the first time in my life today. I could never understand these things. It always seemed like too much to put on a bagel. Too much… responsibility. Too many competing flavors. How can we as a society be so gluttonous as to request everything on our bagels? I would never presume that such a request could even be filled. Everything? Like.. with everything on it? Are you nuts? But there I was this morning, hungry and tired, ordering a toasted everything bagel with butter. What stunned me most was not that I didn’t get a muffin instead. It was that the lady behind the counter didn’t act bewildered by my order. Instead, she unthinkingly went about toasting the thing. Evidently, she’s been asked for everything before.
And you know what? This is not a tale of someone who had been missing out on something wonderful. No. I didn’t like my everything bagel. For starters, I was expecting everything on it. Much to my chagrin, all this thing had were sesame seeds, poppy seeds, salt, and garlic. When I order an everything bagel, that is what I expect. Furthermore, when you toast these things, the garlic gets burnt. So I’m eating a toasted “some things” bagel, with burned bits of garlic on it. Apparently, I hadn’t been missing much. It didn’t taste all that good. My reservations hadn’t been unfounded… and that made me feel good.
Read MoreNo, I’m not talking about my third favorite satellite. (For those keeping score, Titan and our own moon Luna are 1 and 2 respectively) I’m talking about the over-priced NYC “deli” chain, Europa Cafe. There is one in the lobby of my building. Across from Penn Station on 7th avenue. This place has got to be the worst thing to happen to the food service industry since Krispy Kreme went national. Avoid!
People go in because it looks safe. It’s got the trendy sign and the trendy name. It’s clean. Seems less suspect than the bodega around the corner. Can’t go wrong with that. But there’s one problem. It’s food and service are appalling.The grub is “freshly” made, which in this case means its about a day or two old. It’s bland. No TLC has been put into it. Just regimented creation. Sandwiches are delivered to the front of the store from a mysterious back room as if brought off an assembly line. Pre-made. Like something you’d find in the sneeze-proof case at Starbucks. And the baked goods are so disgusting you can actually see the preservatives perspiring off them. Muffins harder than 50 Cent.
The other day I bought a fruit cup. When I opened that plastic container I nearly vomited from the smell. There was obviously something rotten in there. Once my stomach regained composure, I walked it back. The women took one smell and said, “There’s something wrong here. I can get you another or refund your money.” Just keep the cash lady. How did this “freshly cut” fruit go rotten so quickly? Disgusting. I wouldn’t be surprised if they put the fruit cup back into rotation. Like coleslaw at a diner.
Maybe I’m a naive dude from Jersey, but I can not stand it when people are screaming at me from across the counter at a deli. As if they’re helping you. “WHAT CAN I GET YOU?!?!” “ANYBODY A NEED A ANYTHING?!?!” You know what pal. I’m not ready to order. I’m thinking. Stop yelling in my ear. I’ll let YOU know when I’m ready. If I’m not fast enough for you, you should cut back on your own bitter coffee.
Perhaps it’s the guy yelling, but no matter how slowly and articulate I speak, they hear the order wrong. I wanted a medium tea with honey. I got a large coffee with sugar and milk. Sometimes it’s comical. “Hi. I’d like a cup of tomato florentine soup please.” “I’m sorry sir, we don’t sell the Dodge Durango here.” Huh? There is such chaos at the register… Each cashier is assigned their very own assistant to help speed things along during a rush. All this helper succeeds in doing is causing confusion. Nine out of ten times, she mixes up the orders. On top of that, every time I get back to my desk something has leaked in my bag. The tops of fruit or tea are never put on securely. Thanks for the help!
Why Greg, do you go? Good question. The kicker is that you’re getting Manhattan prices. So I’m paying extra for this garbage. As I said, it is in the lobby of my building. When you’re at work you can be very lazy. And this place is really close. You can’t really fuck up coffee or tea. Somehow they manage that. Sometimes it’s raining. I don’t want to go out in that. Maybe its time to bring a parka to work. I have officially sworn off Europa Cafe.
One more thing edging me towards bitterness.
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2007 (1:08) – Here’s the story of two guys, in the throes of a White Castle daze, mesmerized by a flying saucer. The song is “Robot” by The Futureheads. This is really stupid and probably an inside joke. But I think the editing and song have some redeeming value. I had the camera out for no reason whatsoever. This is just cut down from that footage. There was no intention on doing anything with it. The song is from The Futureheads self titled debut record. Hope you go out and buy it.
| Right click to download the iPod-ready version. 5.9 mb (QT7 required)
A few years ago I was waiting tables in Short Hills, New Jersey. One afternoon I had the pleasure of serving Phil Rizzuto and his wife Cora. He lived in the area and I’d heard he’d come in before. All he wanted was a burger and ice cream. He explained to me that he loved our burgers. And prepared me way in advance that he’d be asking for the ice cream. I managed to get over being star struck long enough to tell him I was Italian and he asked where my family was from. We talked about it for a few moments, but as always in those situations, I had nothing good to say and managed to run and hide. He loved the hamburger and ice cream. When he asked for seconds on the ice cream I laughed and told him it was on the house. He was a handsome fella and Cora was very beautiful. A real gentleman.
Scooter passed away yesterday. It was a sad day as a Yankee fan, baseball fan, Italian, and human. But it was tough to really get upset about it. This guy was always enjoying himself and had an incredible sense of humor. He kept everything light. And he had one hell of a life.
This is as sentimental as Miabi Films will get. RIP Scooter.
If you have a half hour, you should really check out his Hall of Fame induction speech. It’s great.
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